*Published with permission from the subject of this post
Somehow I’m wired to look for best in people, including my submissives. I understand that nobody is perfect, and do my best to focus on good qualities. When it comes to training my submissives, I look for potential. Of course, it seems to be a good idea to become a zero tolerance kind of Domme, the one who only accepts ideal slaves, those ready to surrender 100% and treat me like a Goddess. However in real world I don’t like to dismiss people as “defective”, I like to give them a chance, I like to find understanding, connection, and teach them to be better submissives. Unfortunately, it fails most times.
Here is an example of one terrible submissive whom I recently fired. Let’s call him golfo. I met golfo over a year ago and from our first session it was very clear that he was an entirely ignorant sub. Ignorant in a very pathetic, silly way, which made me laugh a lot during our first times together.
He confessed that he liked watching BDSM porn and listed all the activities that turned him on. And as it usually happens, he couldn’t do 90% of things he listed. I already felt like it’s a red flag – I mean, how smart should one be to figure out that a single tail would be rather painful? Yet he assumed that his pain tolerance is already high and requested a strict, sadistic approach, with single tail being an important tool for discipline. As it was a multiple hour playtime, we tried many things during out first session, and he was resistant towards all of it – he complained that a chastity device was too tight, he couldn’t take any pain, he was getting exhausted and overwhelmed almost instantly. When I sent him to get me some dinner, he begged to pleasure himself. He was very bossy and needy, and couldn’t let go of the pleasure-seeking agenda he had in mind after watching a ton of BDSM porn.
Afterwards I explained to him all the things I wasn’t happy with, but unfortunately it got only worse – he constantly bombarded me with emails, demanding an immediate reply, which felt rather hysterical. He used to write a long description of some ideas he had in mind for a session, have me focus on it to give him a feedback, only to dismiss it and change it into something entirely different.
I was patient till he rescheduled our well-planned multiple-hour appointments twice in a row, and I explained to him that I couldn’t deal with so much crap anymore.
However, at the end of the year he apologized for everything and promised to improve. After a few short and humble emails, together with some nice Christmas gifts, he begged me to teach him the art of submission, so I decided to give him another chance.
I kept on toiling, while feeling like a mother teaching her child not to be naughty. Thank god I’m not actually a mother, as it’s much easier to fire a slave.
I told golfo that in order to be a good sub, he must get over his self-indulgence and stop thinking about things he’d rather do to get the result he wants. This socially conditioned formula never works when it comes to the art of ultimate submission. He believed that by doing this and this (something he saw on internet), you will receive that and that (he’ll be allowed to sleep in my cage overnight), and this particular pleasant result will happen (he’ll have an unforgettable experience). Moreover, he’d be very attached to the result, trying so hard to get it, over and over again. That would make him tense up, and that would make me tense up and annoy me as hell. I would feel as a tool for his limited pleasure addiction, which is clearly not my role.
On the contrary, when one is very clear about his desire to surrender and be of service, the flow from his Domme becomes very clear and satisfying. So I explained to him that his desire to surrender, respect, and adore must be clearly seen through in his emails (they must be brief, on point, respectful, with a clear attitude of submission), as well as in his appointment etiquette (must honor my time and business) and of course during play time (trust, surrender, presence, humbleness, obedience and gratitude). It’s very important to let go of expectations for pleasure – I told him that he doesn’t see me to have a brightest ever explosion at the end. In my session, I don’t always allow my submissive to pleasure themselves. In fact, most of the time I don’t – it’s a good test of their integrity as submissives.
“Getting a result is good for your ego, but true giving is good for your heart. It satisfies in a very sweet and real way” B. Martin, Wheel of Consent
Basically, submission is a path of letting go of one’s ego – that’s where true bliss resides, for both dominant and submissive.
So I invested a fair amount of time and emotional labor into this one. We had a couple of fairly successful sessions, which happened when I threatened him with ostracism. I felt optimistic about him – I saw that he was capable of it. I gave him a test at being a personal submissive (he’s been craving to be my personal sub from the very beginning) where he got to try some cleaning assignments and various errands. He really begged for it for a while. You guessed it: he failed magnificently! Imagine you hired someone to do the work for you, but you actually do more work correcting and micromanaging them at every stage! This ends up being more exhausting than just doing the work yourself. For instance, when asked to clean mirrors in my apartment, he cleaned only one mirror, and when asked to buy certain number of certain candles, he’s bring me a different quantity of wrong candles, and he couldn’t even bring me a cup of hot tea: the water was room temperature! And afterwards, as golfo reminded me of the experience as a major favor from him, feeling entitled to some goodies.
Yes, “entitled” is a key word to being a failure at submitting. He constantly felt entitled, and I constantly had to explain to him that he was not the boss. Basically, he ended up repeating some old patterns of bombarding me with too many messages, having too many cancellations due to “emergencies” and even haggling over my rate, as he found himself entitled to a better rate because he did a lot of “selfless service work”. What a cheek! As much as hate the phrase, I had to tell him, “You’re FIRED!”
Here is a story of a major failure which may be useful for many submissives as an example of what it means to be terrible at it. Although I like the idea of connecting to different kinds of submissives who are willing to learn, and not to dismiss anyone as “defective”, these days I realize that unfortunately, some are doomed to fail and are not worthy of my time. Just like many Dommes I look up to, I’d rather spend my time with those who don’t need to learn baby steps, but already did their homework and realize what the true submission is all about.
The good news is, that right after these recent stressful times with golfo I met another submissive, who ended up being an amazing example of the sub I truly wish to see as often as possible, both for sessions and personal services. Stay tuned as my next post will be about him! 🙂