My Shibari Healing by a Powerful Master

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In all these years that I’ve been a Domme, I often found myself wondering: why is there such a great variety of FemDoms and yet such a comparatively tiny pool of skillful Dominant males to choose from? I can hear my readers protesting already but, darlings, your offers to tie us up and spank us couldn’t be farther from what I am talking about.

I have met men who told me that they were dominant. Over the years, I have learned that what they really meant to tell me was: they were bitter and bitchy because of challenging relationships with women, they were cheesy and shallow and so would be my experience, they were looking for an easy way to feel empowered (we all know about easy ways and how those work out), they were searching for an outlet for their pent-up anger, or all of the above. These things, of course, are decidedly not what BDSM is about and, no less importantly, there was no chance I would get anything emotionally or sexually worthwhile out of these interactions. And yet, I did crave to be dominated – by someone who genuinely understood what this meant.

Just as I offer my clients a conscientious experience, I knew that I too wanted someone who had already matured in his intentions. I was looking for a shaman who would offer me a moving experience of surrender and transformation – someone led not by his superficial personality issues but by some forces that are far beyond…. I wanted him to be caring, wise, skillful, experienced, intuitive. Just as I value myself highly as a Domme, I wanted to meet someone with the same high standards, someone I could learn from. Otherwise I would find it impossible to trust him, relax, and surrender.

I believe that my path as a Domme is one-sided and incomplete if I always remain a top, without ever giving myself an opportunity to surrender. Fortunately, I get to surrender often while practicing extreme sports – it’s an amazing experience of feeling and trusting the natural forces. Nature is so wise, whereas humans are complicated, and it is definitely more challenging to find a suitable person to submit to. I knew that finding a person capable of taking me on a journey of surrender was best left to luck, and I was hoping that one day luck will find me. Thanks to the magic of Phangan land, it did.

As soon as I saw Bodhi in his online video, I knew that I wanted to try his shamanic shibari suspension experience and that there was something there for me to be learned from it as a professional Domme. I came to see him for our initial consultation and he impressed me even more: I felt understood and I resonated well with his description of a shamanic “descent” journey. The experience he offered had a clear goal – to descend to my underworld, to meet all of my demons, fears and negative emotions, and to finally meet the one behind them. “This is an initiation into empowered vulnerability and surrender to your depths,” he said, “this five-hour session is NOT for the faint of heart but for radical souls who want to land fully and manifest their soul’s purpose by diving into the shadow and integrating their dark eros and animal/dragon power to become whole and alive beings.” I felt a strong inner “Yes” response and signed up for this journey, already feeling extremely blessed to have met him.

So there I was, feeling nervous and excited, as I readied myself to drive my motorbike to Bodhi’s beautifully designed Japanese dojo (his version of a dungeon, I suppose). It was particularly exciting for me as I found myself having many realizations such as “Aha, now I understand how my submissives feel when they go through a similar experience.” I immediately and viscerally felt the importance of my own sub-session with a professional top in helping me to better relate to my submissives.

After a little tea ceremony with philosophical conversations and discussions of boundaries, we performed an entry ritual. Finally I found myself naked and vulnerable with my eyes blindfolded, as the master started to tie his ropes tightly around my body. It wasn’t a gentle process, the ropes felt tight, pinching my skin, and Bodhi was rough, harshly manhandling me into powerlessness, bondage and suspension. It didn’t take long to meet my demons, I instantly felt desperate and raging. I had no idea there was that much hatred, fear, and mistrust in me. I felt like something very primal had been triggered, I felt desperate in my need to survive. I screamed out in pain and rage, begging him to stop, but he continued. I realized I had no control at all, there was no way out, no safeword. Now I’m happy we didn’t have a safeword, as it was the only way to get to this “over the edge” place I needed, where I have no control at all and feel ready to die.

IMG-1465And so, I quickly found myself hanging up in the air, suffocating from pain caused by the ropes, the animal in me roaring with survival aggression. I am usually very self- conscious about the way I look and the sounds I make, but this time the judge was dead.  Primal instincts took over, I was roaring and screaming, letting out all my hatred. I had no idea there was so much hatred in me towards others and myself. After passing through aggression, I descended into guilt and shame. I felt pathetic, useless and guilty for everything. Everything was my fault. I felt ashamed of my sexuality, I felt filthy, a complete loser, a failure, a pathetic piece of meat. The many tension points in my body intensified into giant vortexes of pain. I remembered the master’s voice: “The shadow is the board game on which we play our life. Working on understanding and integrating our shadow is one of the essential journeys we must all make on the path to awakening our soul’s purpose.”

Finally, as he put me on the floor tightly mummified with rope, I went through the misery of helplessness and death. Frankly, this is one of my biggest fears – growing old, ill, immobile, in constant pain, seeing death approaching. I’ve always secretly wished that I should die in an extreme sports accident so I could avoid being old and decaying. The idea of a strong, beautiful overachiever like me becoming ill, immobile and suffering on a deathbed has always felt unbearably terrifying. And there I was, feeling trapped in these tight ropes, in constant pain of their pinching my skin, I felt broken, altered, descending even lower in my consciousness, crying of deep sadness, as I saw no sense in living only to end up suffering on a deathbed…. Until there was no deeper to go, and my breathing stopped, without any intention from my side. Everything stopped. There was a blissful pause. I was listening to music – the shamanic instruments that Bodhi played created enchanting sounds that, in combination with Bodhi’s singing, took me even deeper into alternate states of consciousness. I wasn’t breathing for some time, and it didn’t feel like I needed to. It lasted an eternity, it was empty, quiet, like I found my resting place. Finally, I heard him say that with my fresh breath of air I’ll gain access to something significant, deep and long forgotten – my “Dragon power”. And as I took a breath in, I felt it so strongly – like I was just born anew, with the first word that came into my head being “Freedom!” It felt like I was flying.

The gate to some powerful force opened and I was mesmerized by this freshly discovered power. My body felt renewed after having released so many outdated emotions and belief patterns that I wanted to fly. I felt so free even inside these tight ropes, a smile showed up on my face. It wasn’t euphoria, but rather a refined sense of peace, the feeling that something here is eternal and there was nothing to be afraid of. I heard Bodhi continuing to play his shamanic instruments, as I kept flying and flying, feeling like an Avatar hero who just tamed his flying dragon and now was excited to explore the beauty of the world from a whole new dimension. He finally released me from the ropes, put them on top of me and embraced me. I felt deep love, connection and gratitude. My heart felt no longer polluted by old negative states, my sexual energy—both in its light and dark forms—felt alive and celebrated.

Bodhi asked me to leave with these ropes all the qualities I no longer wanted with me, as he prepared to perform a fire ritual to burn everything that could possibly be “absorbed” by them. After we exchanged gratitude, I went home feeling exhausted and spent some time lying down integrating this powerful experience. Bodhi continued to reach out, checking in with me, making sure that I am having an easy recovery, and offering support if needed. I was very impressed with the great combination of sincere care and flawless professionalism that he embodied.

A few days passed and, I must say, I feel transformed. The whole experience was a major initiation into some long-forgotten but powerful dimension together with an intense emotional release. I find it important not only to see my sweet aspects, but also to know my darkness. After shining some light into the dark corners of my psyche, this darkness is no longer as dark. The experience of such deep surrender made me stronger. I’m no longer feeling like a fearful little human guided by inner pains and traumas. I rediscovered deeper levels of freedom and love. I know my life’s greater purpose – I’m here for Freedom. I won’t let anything stop me on my path to Ultimate Freedom.

I am also now confident that Ultimate Freedom and Ultimate Surrender are synonyms, which makes me feel happy with my chosen path of guiding others into realms of Surrender. The experience of this journey and Bodhi’s qualities of professionalism, wisdom, care and integrity are already influencing my work – I am inspired to continue developing such qualities in myself in order to take my submissives deeper. I am confident that BDSM sessions have a profound depth, giant healing potential and unlimited capacity for self-discovery.

Shibari Master – Bodhi Zapha, for more info visit https://www.shibarihealing.com

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