Recently I’ve been asked by many what I enjoy the most about kink. My answer was that it varies, I enjoy different things at different times with different partners.
However, when I got a chance to spend some time alone while traveling in India, I was able to dig deeper into myself and find a more specific, genuine answer: I search for alternative states of consciousness.
Since I was a teenager, I have hated shallow conversations and small talk. I have always been craving the deepest truth about things, while surface conversations felt like a waste of time. I couldn’t stand American corporate culture during my office years, it was one of the many reasons why I finally quit it.
Once I engaged in kink, I saw it as a great opportunity to engage deeper with people.
There are many reasons to pursue altered states of consciousness: relaxation, hyper-focus on a sensation, reaching sub/top space, feeling emotions fully, having a wild ride, seeking change, personal identity work, healing, embracing our authentic self, trusting our instincts, and so on. How many of us don’t get enough of this in our lives?
So if this topic is of interest to you, let me share some insights on what it takes to create a perfect journey for both of us!
This is where it all starts – building trust.
I believe there are two major components – proper communication, and surrender. Each is challenging in its own way.
Negotiation is a key for safe, satisfactory, and extraordinary experience for everyone involved. For me as a Domme, it is necessary to understand desires and fantasies of my submissives, their mental and emotional state, physical health, hard limits, experience, etc. It is also important that subs do their homework to get to know the same info about me. I don’t like seeing new subs who wanted to see just any Domme, or “that hot chick in a photo”. I want them to read my blog and really choose me.
I like to ask my submissives why they want to do it. The most common answer I hear is “because it’s fun!”. I ask to dig deeper and see what’s there behind this “fun”, and if there is any curiosity to find out.
Not everyone comes to these practices for the same reasons, so for me it’s important to find out the primary motivation in order to establish proper connection with a client.
After the negotiation is over, it’s time to step out of our day-to-day analytical mind and surrender. This demands vulnerability. It is scary, but since one is called to be a sub, there is a great potential to make it happen. If my sub is unwilling to surrender, I have little power to make him vulnerable. My power only extends as far as does my sub’s willingness to be vulnerable. In other words, to let me in, you have to bring your guard down. A sub must be able to come forward naked and ready to obey.
There comes a moment when a submissive finds himself raw, exposed, unguarded, defenseless. Many subs are scared of losing control in this surrender. That, however, is the whole point! Once it happens, one finds that nothing important is lost, but a great sense of relaxation, trust, awareness and profound bliss are found.
Of course, it takes great courage to completely and irrationally trust someone. There is always some fear – fear of journey with no map, fear of no longer having “my way”, fear of not being good enough. It is completely OK to have fear and not to be perfect, and this takes me to the next point.
It’s not about being perfect. It’s about being authentic.
I often explain to my submissives that no judgements/planning/manipulation are allowed during my sessions. The only freedom they have is freedom to express emotions: tears, laughter, screaming, and so on. I explain that emotions are a part of our authenticity, while mental judgements derive from our fears and social conditioning.
Becoming authentic is how the soul shows itself. Embracing our authentic self means trusting our instincts and sharing our feelings. It is removing the clutter, clearing away the debris and knowing ourselves.
I challenge my submissives to look into themselves, their dark places, as well as blissful ones, as all are important.
4. Let go of the agenda.
“Instead of chasing bliss, consider learning to become a vessel for bliss to reside in”
— Lee Harrington, “Sacred Kink”.
If you’re thinking about what might come, most likely it will never show up.
I must admit that for me as a Guide, it took a while to realize the importance of letting go of a direct agenda of what should happen. These days, I like to have all tools available in a room, stay present and let my intuition guide me.
In my experience, I noticed a very common pattern: submissives who once had a profound cathartic experience expect it to happen again the same way, or even better. This is a sure path to disappointment. I had to dismiss a few of my clients because they couldn’t give up their expectations, which wasn’t contributing to a rewarding experience for either of us.
There is no way to know each and every time you engage in a play, that you will have a profound experience. Spiritual moments don’t follow linear logical patterns, but there are skills to develop which will aid to success.
The first one is learning to surrender to the experience without analyzing it while it’s happening. Going back into your analytical brain is one of the quickest ways to stop an altered state.
The next skill is becoming fully committed to receiving, or saying “Yes!” to a journey of joyful surrender.
Sometimes the experience wanted by an active mind of a submissive is not what will serve best in the moment or in the long term.
It is important to remember: just because it wasn’t a profound experience, doesn’t mean it wasn’t a good trip. You (or your Domme) did not “do it wrong”. In fact, you may have done it just right, had a fun evening and gained some feedback for next time!
I must confess that I hate seeing my submissives rushing to check their phones and out of the dungeon to work right after an intense inner journey. Unfortunately, that’s often the case as many of my clients are very busy business people, allocating only an hour of their lunchtime for our play.
That’s one of the reasons I prefer longer sessions – this allows time for communication beforehand and unrushed transitions from introduction to session to aftercare.
I find aftercare to be an important transition to a grounded place after engaging in a scene. The needs of individuals, however, vary dramatically. Some need a glass of water, shower, or a hug, others want a deeper processing and talking it out, some prefer spending time alone contemplating. I find it important not to rush out after the scene and have time for assistance coming “back” or getting out of altered states of consciousness. I understand that this work is not a light undertaking for anyone involved and can have effects for days to come or even years. I do my best to be emotionally available after guiding someone into a deep inner journey, and like to follow up the next day.
I can’t force someone into being gentle with oneself after a deep experience. I can just share what years in the scene showed me: the value of the experience diminishes if one rushes into a busy life without allowing some time for relaxation and contemplation.
By breaking the boundaries of ordinary reality through our explorations of kink, we have the power to step out of normal and into the altered, extraordinary. Dungeon culture prioritizes acceptance of all people, feminine power, beauty, safety and pleasure. Kink gives opportunities for different frames of reference, with a potential to having an epiphany about life.
I enjoy my work, there is so much joy in seeing individuals find fragments of themselves in the shadows of my dungeon. There is so much to learn, for myself and for my submissives.
For me, it’s not about the tools I use or fetishes I get to explore, but the intent that is put behind it.
As I shifted the focus of my sessions into conscious exploration of our shadow selves and facilitation of altered states of consciousness, I realized that not everyone is capable to be my submissive. I’ve made it clear that topping from the bottom or any kind of manipulation is not allowed, however many new clients bring along some other socially inherited qualities which are not productive. The common ones are expectation of too much pleasure, inability to leave aside analytical mind or emotional inaccessibility. I like to be honest upfront about clients I like to see.
I enjoy being spontaneous while exploring different archetypes and leading my submissives in a less traveled direction.
My work is ever evolving. In consciously being a Domme, I’m continuously mastering my craft.