“In most cases I’ve found that those who think they rarely or never fantasize are similar to people who don’t remember dreaming. They’re simply not in the habit of paying sufficiently close attention” J. Morin, Erotic Mind.
It would not be an exaggeration to say that my clients’ willingness to reveal what most people prefer to keep hidden has made it possible for me to develop an entirely new way of understanding erotic life as such. As my new vision of eroticism grew deeper, wider and evermore enlightened, my fascination with kink has only deepened and, as with all wonderful and enlightening things one discovers, it is difficult to keep to oneself. I’ve grown more and more inspired to share this knowledge, which I feel is everyone’s birthright, with others.
It’s easy to share it with my submissives, as they already have an inherent attraction to and curiosity towards it. Still, no matter how experienced they are, it seems that I can always guide them towards more richness and depth of play. Win-win. But as I delved deeper into this realm and became increasingly proficient in it, a question emerged from somewhere in the back of my mind – sure my clients can be guided into a richer and deeper version of kink, but…is it possible to understand– and even fall in love with– kink when one has no natural inclination towards it, but only a curiosity at best? Isn’t it like art, which is hard to explain – one looks at it and either likes it or not? Or…can one be taught to appreciate kink the way one can be taught to appreciate a wider variety of art? Hm…
As far as art goes, it has been my experience that it can in fact be explained – not by means of logic, but with analogies. If I felt or experienced something that someone did not, one way of sharing the experience would be by suggesting an analogy. A small similarity of perception or interpretation, once understood, becomes a bridge, which will be like an initiation. A familiar feeling is triggered, and now the newcomer is curious to dive deeper. In a similar way, I wondered whether it’s possible to initiate someone into kink. Of course I am not talking about some superficial “50 Shades of Grey” version of it, you should know me better than that by now, but rather about the deeply meaningful, tantric kink that I am so in love with. There are so many misconceptions about kink in the so-called vanilla world, I figured, why not spread the word about the beauty that I have been lucky to discover?
Shortly afterwards, I was given the opportunity to try this. A submissive man I worked with wanted very much to introduce his reluctant wife to kink, and invited me to assist him. This was a privilege – to be given the chance to work on a couple’s most intimate relationship. It was also my opportunity to try and build this bridge I was thinking about. You see, the man is fond of submission, feminization, lingerie, and has a nylon fetish. It isn’t uncommon by any means, but his wife did not seem to share his passion, which is not uncommon either. Fortunately, however, she was open-minded enough and thus willing to give it a try for the sake of the man she loves and herself. She did not assume that she would grow to like it, but she had it in her heart to want to understand more about it.
So I took the initiative and began to share my vision, with all of my enthusiasm. I began by explaining that kink is healthy: the great psychoanalyst Carl Jung believed that to achieve psychological wholeness and maturity, each person must come to terms with what he called “the shadow” – the least acceptable, socially denied aspects of our selves. Lustful attraction is likely to take a destructive turn when it is banished into a dark corner. Therefore, a healthier alternative is its acceptance and curiosity about it.
“Take a closer look at a peak turn-on and you’ll undoubtedly sense that
something close to the core of your being has been touched.” J. Morin,
And thus, appreciating the mysteries of Eros requires a new point of view. It requires traveling the short distance from labeling to curiosity, from shutting the door to looking through the peephole. Of course going about discarding one’s prejudices alone can be tricky, it’s nice to have help. In this case, my explanation helped this lovely woman to to put all of her “weird pervert” labels aside for a moment, at least long enough to follow our exploration further along. No less importantly, she was able to appreciate and honor the fact that her man trusted her enough to share his secret persona which nobody else had seen.
So here we were, our submissive undressed, exposed, helplessly restrained, and blindfolded. He quickly became extremely excited and began to express his feelings: “I love being helpless and used by you. I can’t see you, and I imagine that you are looking at me examining my body, playing with my nipples and genitals, touching and prodding everywhere, I’m completely at your mercy” he shared. I saw that his wife was perplexed by this fantasy, and so I gently explained: “He enjoys the freedom to experience the dark side of himself. You see, it’s indeed a great relief and liberation to be rendered powerless, to entirely give up, and become contained within our dominant control. We are now the acting subjects while he is the object of all of our attention, experiencing pleasure. He enjoys not having any control, as it contrasts with his everyday life, which is filled with the responsibilities of a high-stress job and fatherhood. Men are usually expected to be dominant in life, and now he has a chance to be coddled, to be the center of attention, only as an enthusiastic bottom, feeling “chosen” and very special.”
The man continued, “I enjoy being so helpless…and you are both torturing me, whipping me mercilessly”. I went on commenting: “Things that normally hurt can feel terrific when you’re excited. Through submission and pain, he seeks to rouse this hidden self and feel fully alive”. He went on, “I fantasize that you put sexy lingerie on me, and give me a girl’s name.” Catching her disapproval as she heard it, I went on enthusiastically: “His lingerie and nylons offer him a compelling focal point for his fascination with women and femininity. Fetish objects such as lingerie and nylons, become erotic cues that provide a pinpoint focus for his arousal”. The man continued while looking extremely aroused and ecstatic, “I’m afraid that you might decide to hurt me or push me somewhere I don’t want to go.” And I translated: “Fear intensifies his arousal. Our bodies respond similarly to anxiety and to sexual arousal. When highly aroused, all of his emotions are part of a larger whole in which concepts of “negative” and “positive” become meaningless. Also notice how fluid these emotions are, how rapidly they transmute from fear into excitement, from tears to laughter, from hatred to passionate love. But keep in mind, depending on the situation and the individuals involved, anxiety is either an anti- aphrodisiac or an aphrodisiac, and sometimes even both.”
This lesson was the beginning of this woman’s gradual initiation into the world of kink. Practical steps and technical lessons followed, but I find that attitude, intention, and curiosity to explore are most significant. Once she started to grasp the implications of her husband’s kinky fantasies, she became more enthusiastic to better appreciate the richness and complexity of humans beings’ erotic minds. The fantasies he described were not as straightforward, it turned out, as they had initially appeared. When one looks deeper into such fantasies and shares them with open-minded listeners, not only does it become possible to be deeply understood, but also to inspire others to explore their own fantasies. At the beginning of our interaction the woman was certain that she didn’t have any sexual fantasies. However, the most recent update I got from this couple was her discovery that, once she imagined a certain situation, her arousal would intensify – quite impressive for someone who didn’t fantasize, don’t you think….